Perplexities of a Hero
A Legend of Zelda fan fiction by Cat.

Disclaimer: This fic = mine. Zelda stuff = Nintendo. Get it? Got it? Good!!
Cast: Cat - played by myself
        Link - played by himself if he's not too busy saving someone's ass
       Cameo apperances by - Emi (as herself) and any other obscure characters I feel like mentioning ^_^
        O.V. - played by a large omniscient voice
        Sheik - played by him/herself...O_o?
        Navi - played by a glowing ball of light

 
Prologue: After visiting Emi's Link shrine one afternoon, Cat was hit with a wave of pity as she saw Emi had no Link stories to share with the Link internet fanbase. So, in a vallant effort, Cat constructed this vague and obscure idea of what a Link fan fiction should be in order to help Emi appease the Link shrine gods (who were threatening to roast her and serve up her cooked carcass with a side of Deku nuts). And so our story begins with a dull and disinteresting...opening ^_^. Cat is attempting to tackle down our Hero in order to get some questions anwsered.

- Emi, this is the shortest fan fic I've ever written. Be afraid, be very afraid. -

 
Cat: Hey there! I'm Cat (Emi's Net buddy! Whee!) and I'm interrogating...er, interviewing a local celebrity today as part of a class assignment (that's what we'll tell him). Yay! He's here.

*trumpeting fanfare as Link, the Hero of Time, arrives on a magestic steed*

Link: *clomp clomp...clomp*
Cat: Hey there! Mind if ask you a few questions?
Link: .... ........ ..
Cat: ... O_o. I'll take that as a 'Yes'?
Link: ...... .. .
Cat: (Oooh boy, this one's a real talker) My name is Cat and ---
Link: *swallows milk* Glp!! Sorry, my mom taught me to never speak with my mouth full.
Cat: Oh! He's polite too!! So, I've got a few questions for you if you don't min---
Link: My "hero sense" is...tingling! I must go save someone! *starts to ride off*
Cat: (Huh? Tingling? Did anyone else go where I went with that?) Waitttt!!! My interview!

The End
 

Perplexities of a Hero II
A Legend of Zelda fan fiction

Cat: STOP!! We already did that!
Omniscient voice: *!! entrance !!* SORRY.
Cat: Hey! An omniscient voice!! Cool.
O.V.: YES, VERY COOL. WHAT'S WITH THE 'O.V' STUFF?
Cat: Omniscient Voice is too much to spell out all the time. Besides O.V. is cuter.
O.V.: (IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT BRAND OF FEMININE PRODUCTS....) (this fic has not yet been rated)
Cat: Hey!! Let's keep it nice here! It's embarassing enough to talk about that stuff. Besides I need to find Link. Think you can give me a hint? (I don't want to make myself write a novel of the "Hero Hunt" or anything)
O.V.: HEY, I'M NOT YOUR SERVANT. I'M JUST A LOUD VOICE COMING FROM THE HEAVENS. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOD OR ANYTHING....
Cat: Are you a genie?
O.V.: .....NO. I AM NOT A GENIE. I'M GOING NOW. IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW YOU. *!! departure !!*
Cat: *blink* See? I thought it was just a big voice.

*Cat pauses to sit down a while and conjure up a plan*

Cat: Lesse...if I were a tingly-hero type person, what would I do? *light blub* I know...heh heh. *screams* HHHEEEELLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: *arrives in a flash....FLASH!!* Who's there? What damsel in distress needs my heroism? C'mon now, I'm on a tight schedule here....
Cat: *faints* Oh woe is me!
Link: ...Oh it's just you again.
Cat: What's THAT supposed to mean? (grrr...)
Link: Well...I wasn't expecting to find you here again, that's all. Are you lost or something, little girl?
Cat: x_x ...(ahem) I just thought that if I screamed --
Link: HEY! You cried wolf!!
Cat: Actually...I cried help.
Link: Not cool. Now I'm totally screwed up and you've wasted time that I could have spend saving a hott blonde or something from her evil uncle's pet dragon.
Cat: Well...I AM in distress...(sorta). (And I'm pretty dang cute too!)
Link: *rolls eyes* Like how? Is your shoe lace untied or something?
Cat: I'm wearing sandals. *wiggles toes*
Link: *sits down* Great....just great.
Cat: Does it really tingle?
Link: O_o?! Excuse me??
Cat: Does it really tingle??
Link: *blushes* That's personal! But if you must know...
Cat: *throws eraser at Link's head* Ugh! Perv! I didn't mean that. I meant does your 'hero sense' really tingle??!!!
Link: Um...only when properly stimulated...^ ^; Doh!! I didn't mean that!!
Cat: *falls over* x_X (This fic has now been rated...rated P for perverted) Ahem! Okaaay, all sicko-ness aside, will you anwser a few questions for me?
Link: I guess so. I'm free for the next 30 minutes anyway... *sigh* (Why couldn't she have been a hott blonde?)
Cat: You may want to watch what you're thinking there, buddy. I CAN see your thoughts. I'm writing this story afterall.
Link: Good GOD! Don't tell me there's TWO of you!
Cat: *rolls eyes* Whatever. Any way, about those questions... *unrolls a three mile long sheet of paper*
Link: O_O
Cat: Okaaaayyyy...first off, why green? Is it your favorite color?
Link: Well...*thinks* I find that green adds an element of stealth. I can sneak around unnoticed and---
Cat: What if you're NOT in a green environment? Then what? You're like, a sitting duck!
Link: -_- Like I was saying, it goes with anything, and well, it's just what those game designers MADE me where, ok? If it were up to me, I WOULDN'T be wearing tights or a skirt.
Cat: Couldn't you say that it just allows you to get in greater touch with your feminine side?
Link: Next question please!
Cat: Okay... *skips questions 2-20 since they all deal with his sexual orientation ^_^* Why don't you ever speak? They must really hate you! I mean, all you ever say is "... .......". What the HELL is "..."??!!
Link: *drinks more LonLon milk* ..... ... *swallows* My name is Link, and I'm a milkoholic.
Cat: ...You need help. Next question: Are you by any chance related to a specific elf named...Legolas?
Pocket Emi Clone: LEGOLAS! MEEP!
Link: WTF?! O_o
Cat: *stuff pocket Emi clone back into pocket ^-^* That's just my pocket Emi clone. It's easier to carry her around since she's only 1/18 her original size. She gets a little excited at times.
Link: O_o...why does everyone ask me that? *stands up and shouts at reader* I'll have you know that he and I have nothing, NOTHING, in common! Sure, I save the world, but when HE does it, he's a friggin' PANSY! Eventhough I have pointy ears and wear tights, I still do it like a man.
Cat: So you're confident about your masculinity....great *checks off question #35* Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Leonardo DiCaprio?
Link: *screams* ....why?? T_T
Cat: ^ ^ 'Tay, Next question---

Cat is interrupted by a flash of light. A masked figure appears.

Sheik: Link...it is time.
Link: Oh thank NAYRU you're here! Kill her fast while no one's watching...
Cat: Pocket Emi Clone!! Fetch!
P.E.C: *lunges at Link with claws beared* Reeoooaarrr!! *goes for the jugular vein*
Link: DAH!! Help! Someone save me! Eeeeppppppp! *falls on the ground while P.E.C tears his garment to shreds*
Sheik: Show some dignity, man.
Link: Like you can talk!!! You're a friggin CROSS DRESSER!
Sheik: *speaking in Zelda voice* Well I NEVER! After giving you that Hylian Royal Swimwear Calander (featuring myself as Miss July) THIS is the thanks I get?!
Link: *throws P.E.C into the Zora River* Hehhhh....uh, let's keep that between us, okay babe?
Sheik: Just for that I'm going to disclose personal information to Miss Cat and Miss Pocket Emi Clone.
Cat & P.E.C: Yay!! *do happy dirty-little-secrets dance*
Link: Noooooo!!!! I'll be ruined! No girl is going to want me to save them now!
Sheik: Actually I wasn't going to tell her anything. But I was going to do....THIS!! *grabs half naked Link and passionately kisses him as a camera materializes out of thin air*
Camera: ~~~FLASH!!~~~
Sheik: HAH! Black mail photo. Unless you want every available woman in Hyrule thinking you're GAY, I suggest you watch yourself from now on. *disappears in a puff of smoke with photo*
Link: *cries* Damn her.... *tries to collect the remaining shreds of clothing he has*
Cat & P.E.C. *take more pictures of Link in his pony boxers* Heehee!
Link: Give me THAT!! *dives at Cat & P.E.C*
Cat: No WAY! *sticks photo inside her shirt*
Link: O.O ....okay...can I go in after it?
Cat: Hell NO! So...*looks at list* is there any romance between you and Zelda?
Link: *blushes* Eh....no, not really..
Cat: Ah HA! Thought so! *dances with P.E.C* You've got a crush!! You've got a crush!!
Link: It's not true! Heros don't get crushes.
Navi: *appears out of no where* Hey! It's true! He keeps a photo of her in his hat!! *pulls off hat with little fairy wings*
Link: GO AWAY....damn fairy.
Navi: *cries* Boo hoo! T_T *flies away*
Link: *rolls eyes*
Cat: What about Ruto? Won't she be jealous when she finds out you've been cheating on her?
Link: *points finger* Wait a damn minute. I was like, 10 when she claimed I was "hers". Like I know anything about MARRIAGE when I'm 10! Besides, I was dragged into it against my will.
Cat: *nodds head* Yeah, I see your point. Just think of how your children would look...*shudders* Hideous...
Link: Hey! They wouldn't get their looks from my side!
Cat: A little vain aren't we? Anyway, anything with Malon?
Link: What's with all the questions about my personal life? Can't you ask a question that DOESN'T involve relationships?
Cat: *mesmerized by Link's toned & tanned body* O.O
P.E.C: *mesmerized by Link's toned & tanned body* O.O (thinks: Zell's better XP)
Link: *mesmerized by Link's toned & tanned body* O.O...Wait! Er, wrong person ^ ^;. Heh heh.
Cat: Heehee ^.^ Sorry. So how do you keep so...physically fit?
Link: Well, I fight deadly monsters and evil demons almost daily, not to mention my steady diet of LonLon Milk. *shrugs* Just watching my carb intake.
Navi: *appears again* He uses a Thigh Master and women's aerobic tapes!!
Link: You think I watch those to work out? Hehheh *grin*
Cat: *throws Navi at Link* Thanks for the info, pig.
Navi: Wheee!!! *thump* x.x
Link: Oh GROSS! I've got FAIRY GUTS all over my shiny golden hair!
Cat: Just a few more questions. Um.....
P.E.C: Can I touch yoooooouuu???
Link: O.O Uh, no.
P.E.C: Aaaawwwwwwwwwww.
Cat: Yeah, I noticed in the game you don't have a strap over your chest when you carry your sword? And who pierced your ears when you were frozen in time, awaiting your chance to become the Hero of Time? And who changed your clothes? Was it that crusty old Sage, Rauru? And Naburoo? She was DEFINATELY hitting you!
Link: @_@ One at a...time...please...
Cat: C'mon! You can anwser a few little questions!!
Link: Uh, actually I think I hear a babe calling my name. Gotta go! *zooms off to save the day*
Cat: *blink* .......oh hell. Maybe some other time (hey, this leaves me open for a sequel!!)
Link: *voice echoes from far away* NO IT DOESN'T!!!
Cat: *waves* Bye ya'll!!

-I told ya, didn't I, Emi? Ha ha ha -

The End (again)