The Race for Epona

 
Link panted, crawling his way up to the entrance of Lon Lon Ranch. His first couple of hours as an adult had been made perilous and annoying by the THOUSANDS (I'm not even lying - it's thousands!) of Redeads creeping around the once beautiful Hyrule Market. On top of that, he got hit-on by the Poe Collector and when he tried to run away, discovered that the draw bridge leading to the outside world was decrepit and he would have to get his leather boots wet.

Link was having a wonderful day. In fact, his day was so wonderful that he decided to go see Malon and tell her how wonderful it was. But stepping foot inside the ranch, Link realized that this place too had changed for the worse. Ingo greeted him.

Ingo: I am Ingo - Mr. Ingo to you. I take care of these horses.

Link: ...Where's Malon? And why are you working at Lon Lon Ranch if your name doesn't have a -lon in it?

Ingo: Because then it would be Lon Lon Lon Ranch and anyone who said it would want to kill themselves.

Link: That's a good answer. Now about Malon...

Ingo: There are some people in Kakariko spreading rumors that I cheated Talon out of the ranch, but... That guy Talon was weak! I don't want any strangers like you saying anything bad about me!

Link: Erm... I asked about Malon.

Ingo: Listen. The Great Ganondorf recognized my obvious talents and gave the ranch to me!

Link: Fabulous, but I'm looking for my friend. Does she still work here?

Ingo: Say, young man, do you want to ride one of my fine horses?

Link: I was asking about-- ...Really? A horse?

Ingo: Yes, yes. Pick out any one you want to ride. Hmm...and maybe you'd like to have a little race? Made more interesting by, say...a wager.

Link: Wow, would I!

Navi: Link! You've never ridden a horse in your life!

Link: So? I've never practiced swordsmanship either and I seem to be doing just fine with that.

Ingo: Find a horse, young man, and bring it back here. You can keep the horse if you win. If I win, you have to pay me 50 rupees and give me one of your kidneys. How does that sound?

Link looked down at his abdomen.

Link: My kidney?

Ingo: You have two of them, it wouldn't be a big loss.

Link: Oh, alright then.

Link walked into the pen and scouted out the horses. None of them caught his eye. He couldn't make a decision and so he did what he always did when he couldn't make a decision - he pulled out his ocarina and played a tune. He played "Epona's Song" because it seemed appropriate. A large brown mare came over to him and nudged his arm.

Link: Aww, aren't you pretty? Who's a pretty horse? Who's a pretty horse? You are!

Navi: That horse looks familiar...

Link: I want to ride this one!

Link mounted the horse with great ease and trotted it over to where Ingo was waiting with his steed.

Ingo: Ready? On the gunshot...

*GUNSHOT!!!*

And they're off! Ingo takes the lead but he's slowing down - he almost missed that jump. Now Link's coming from behindhe'scatchinguphe'sovertakingIngo!ButIngo'sstillintheracehe'sstillintherace. It's getting close now! The finish line is only a few feet away...!

And it's Link with Large Brown Mare That Resembles Epona!

Ingo: Waaaah!! I can't believe I lost! What's with that horse?? Is that Epona?!

Link: Epona?

The Hero of Time gave the horse a once-over.

Link: Yeah, I guess that would make sense.

Ingo: Well...no matter! As I promised, I'll give the horse to you... However... I'll never let you leave this ranch! I'm going to close this four foot-tall gate! There's no way you can escape now!!

Link: Then I'll jump the wall!

Link announced, so that when he actually jumped the wall it would be more dramatic.

Ingo: Jump the wall? You'll never make it over alive! Ahahahahahaha!!

And so Link jumped the wall, symbolically making Epona his. When he returned to the ranch 5 seconds later, he saw that everything was back to normal and that Ingo was unusually cheery. That is the magic of wall jumping. You remember that.