The Weirdest and Weakest Link

Author's Note: Wow, a story I actually finished! You know the deal, Final Fantasy and Final Fantasies IV, VII, VIII, IX, and X, all of 'em, are © Square. I don't own them so you can sue me! Neener, neener, neener! As for the characters, I know the characters of FFIX very well (I finished the game), but the FFVII and VIII characters I have to go by what I've seen from what gameplay I've gotten and read on the Internet, so if they're messy…so what? You're not the one writing this, are you? You want me to try and mess with characters I've never gotten to know? You sicko! And uh, The Weakest Link is © NBC…I've watched the game a few times so if the rules aren't perfect, bleh! Any relations to actual people or events aren't coincidental, hehe. ^^ Oh, and thank you, Emi of Zealous, for inspiring me! The word 'zealously' was used in this story just for you! Happy reading! Ohhh, and one last thing...I'm not a Zelphie girl or a...Sirvine girl? ^^; I'm sorta just in between...just so I don't offend anyone that is. ^^ Or a Squallphie... Oo;

 
Prologue

"Well, Aerith, are you ready?" Cid Kramer sat in the director's chair with his arms crossed.

Aerith sighed and ran her hair across her bangs. "I guess so. I still feel kind of stiff,"

Cid chuckled heartily. "Don't worry. You'll be your old self in no time. Now, remember. Be mean, be haughty, say snide remarks to the players. Don't be yourself."

Aerith raised an eyebrow then shrugged. "Whatever you say. I can't guarantee I will," She let out a small yawn. "My reputation isn't exactly a bad one."

Garden's headmaster stood up and patted her on the back. "I have faith in you Aerith. This is the maiden voyage of the show! Just think, if our ratings are well enough, we'll continue making more shows, meaning more money for you. See you later!" He grinned and walked off into the maze of equipment.

"I sure hope he's right…"

"We're on in five minutes!" yelled a stage director.

"Hm, well…here's my big debut time." Aerith stood up and walked off to get final preparations made to her make-up and hair.

Chapter 1

Everyone was bustling because of the new show. It promised to be a hit. This "Weakest Link - Final Fantasy-style" was the talk of everyone Final Fantasy. What better way to reward the heroes that saved their worlds: with Gil! All of the Cids, even Sid, viewing the TV show on TV gave them the idea. And plus, all the Gil left over from finished adventures was piling up.

A few stage managers were getting the screens for the players and the host. Selphie stood giggling. Zell was chowing down on a hotdog. Tifa fixed her hair a little. Barret leaned against a camera, against one of the cameraman's wishes. Nanaki straightened his fire-red fur. Freija yawned and crossed her arms. Rinoa was looking at Garnet, who was practicing common speech. Kujah sat in his booth, testing his microphone. And Laguna, who was in the wrong place, was drawing a sign on some poster board that said "Go, feather girl, go!" in bright, flashy colors.

Garnet sighed. "I apologize, no…I should say "I'm sorry." I show you all of my gratitude…no, I should say, "Thanks."

Rinoa decided to talk to Garnet. "Hi!"

"Oh," the young queen laughed. "Hello. I mean, hi!" She began to curtsy but waved instead.

Rinoa giggled. "I'm Rinoa Heartilly, you know, from the Final Fantasy before you?"

"Oh, how wonderful! I mean…neat-o!"

They shook hands. "So, what're you doing?"

"Oh, I'm practicing to sound common. I've been getting a bit better. What do you think?"

The young resistance faction member held her chin. "It needs a little work. Let me help!" She thought a little. "Instead of saying, "I've been getting a bit better," you should say "It's been going good!" See? Pure and simple, just be…simple!"

"Ah, I see…I mean, cool!"

They shared a laugh as Selphie walked by.

"Don't choke yourself, Zell," she shuddered.

Zell looked at her and opened his mouth. "Hat's swo wong wif dis?" He laughed and some of his hotdog flew out of his mouth. Selphie shook her head then ruffled up his hair.

"Swallow before you talk! I know you've learned better manners than that!" She giggled and stood at her post, for the show was about to start.

Zell laughed. "Righty-o!" His post was next to hers. The players were grouped by their Final Fantasy.

"Well, good luck, Queen!" Rinoa shook Garnet's hand and took her post near the end.

Garnet smiled and took the next to last post. "Ditto!"

Freija was at the final post. "Well, good luck, your highness,"

"Yeah, Freija, the same to you."

Tifa, Nanaki, and Barret were laughing while they stood at their posts. The show was on in about a minute.

Chapter 2

Zidane walked in quickly and sat just in the back of the small studio. It was the TV Station of Timber, after all…just redesigned since Mr. Deling spoke there a long time ago. It was a quaint little set, but full of good spirit. It looked exactly like the Weakest Link stage except somewhat livelier. Zidane happily cheered on his Garnet. He loved that girl…and he was hella tired of Alexandria life as the king. It was nice to get away. But, of course, he'd do anything for the one he loved. He had gone through so much right off the bat to get her.

He happily hooted from his chair. "Go, Garnet!"

Quistis couldn't help but smile at Zidane's cute charisma. She was sitting about six rows in front of Zidane. She leaned over and spoke to Squall. "Aww…how sweet! Isn't this nice, Squall? Cheering your girlfriend on, just like little Zidane up there?"

Squall grinned a bit, for Rinoa had changed him dramatically. "Mm, yeah…it is kind of nice,"

Zidane, who had overheard her comment, retorted to Quistis. "I'm not little…!"

Before Quistis could respond to the small bout that had started, Laguna came running up to them with his sign. "Son! I didn't expect see you here!" he yelled giddily.

Knowing Squall, he didn't want a thing to do with Laguna. He held is forehead and muttered, "Oh, no," He knew what was to come: pure aggravation.

Laguna chuckled zealously as he sat down near his son. He patted his back and smiled like a kid in a candy store. Kiros and Ward followed soon after; for they seemed to be like Fujin and Raijin were to Seifer. Couldn't live with each other or without each other. Finally, after Laguna got over his "pat-my-son-down-until-he's-red" fit, he grinned and began to start some chitchat, which was a bunch of the usual babbling.

"Wow, son! Look at how you've grown!"

Squall answered the questions in his head. "Very little, actually,"

"How are you doing at Garden?"

"I'm doing pretty darn well,"

"Is your relationship going fine?"

"Couldn't be better. Why should you care?"

"You're not doing drugs, now are you?"

"Maybe a little experimenting… Seifer is very persuasive."

"I'm sure that you're not, ya know, burning boots? Isn't that what you teenagers say, nowadays?"

The SeeD cleared his throat.

Squall was already tired of his so-called father. At least, he saw him that way. "Ugh! Shut up…!" To show is "father" he knew everything, he added, "And anyway…it's called kn-"

Quistis, appalled at what Squall was about to say, which she good-as-well knew what he was bound to say, protested, "Squall!" She cut him off in the nick of time. Squall looked a bit ashamed but crossed his arms, trying to brush it off.

Ward, listening to all of this, made a face expression of amusement. Kiros automatically translated it in is head and he and Ward shared a laugh. Laguna, of course, had no clue of what Ward was thinking. He never did.

Laguna quizzically slanted his head. "What d'ja say? Ward?"

Kiros cleared his throat, unwilling to say it in words. "He didn't say anything, Laguna," He chuckled apprehensively. For Ward's and Kiros' sake, they may as well have bought those cute, little notepads in bulk so Ward could write down what he was trying to say for the clueless Laguna. Laguna was the President of Esthar, nevertheless. He'd buy anything daft, knowing him. He WAS daft.

The lights began to dim. Quistis talked just above her normal level but just a bit too soft to be a yell. "Oh, it looks like the show's about to start! Time to be quiet!" She giggled, happy for this. Maybe it would shut Laguna up before he said anything too stupid. Squall was silently praying for this. So far, he seemed to be quieting down. Laguna's eyes were lighting up like a little youngster who was about to get the one gift that he'd been dying to have for years.

Chapter 3

In the mean while, Caraway was sitting with his arms folded. "I still say Rinoa should not have come," Rinoa stood on the stage with her arms crossed, too - God knows that girl acted like her Dad so much sometimes - and tried to ignore her father. Caraway got silent as Aerith walked out onto the stage. "Wow, almost Julia's hair color," he thought to himself.

Aerith stepped up to her post. Practically everyone in the audience gasped and gawked. Cid Highwind got drunk and picked her since her name started with 'a', since he was in charge of casting. But she definitely didn't fit the, need it be said the word that begins with a 'b', personality of the original host. Being mean wasn't her thing. Her limit breaks were meant to help, you know. But she inhaled at any rate, because being revived was something she was wondering if would ever happen. She formed a smile, even though a stage director was motioning to her that that was too nice, then she began.

"Ahem… Well, hello to you all! I am Aerith Gainsborough, your hostess on this special edition of Final Fantasy "The Weakest Link!" We're here from Timber's television station! Anyhow, let's introduce our team, no?" She clasped her hands and smiled even more.

Raijin was sitting just above and behind Fujin, who was a judge. He laughed goofy. "She's pretty, ya know?" Fujin glanced up at him.

"QUIET. KICK LATER." she said in her crazy speech. Maybe, quite possibly, she has feelings for the bumbling Raijin? Maybe not…

Raijin knew just how much Fujin's kicks hurt. In that chance encounter when Squall walked into the cafeteria and met up with them (Seifer was there, too, of course), that hurtful kick from Fujin was not only painful but embarrassing, too. "Ah, shoot, Fujin! You know that hurts!" He figured he'd try to find some secluded place to stay for a few days. They always said the hotel in Deling was nice this time of year…

Tifa ignored the small talk going on between the two. She began. "Tifa Lockheart, twenty, bar hostess in the Sector Seven Slums and member of AVALANCHE."

Barret wasn't one known for greetings, knowing he'd probably shoot a suspicious looking person before they could say a word, but he said his introduction anyway. "Barret Wallace, thirty-five, AVALANCHE leader."

Red, on the other hand, was a very kind creature. Nanaki smiled the best he could and waved a bit with his paw. "Nanaki, also known as Red XIII, forty-eight, beast."

Selphie giddily jumped up and down. She was finally on a television program! She waved and held back the urge to shriek happily. "Tee-hee! Selphie Tilmitt, seventeen, SeeD member!"

Zell grinned. "'Sup? Zell Dincht, seventeen, SeeD member, booya!" He was to some extent only there to get some Gil for Garden's famous hotdogs. He figured he could bribe the cafeteria women into ordering more if he had lots of 'moolah.'

Rinoa shook her head. "Rinoa Heartilly, seventeen, member of the Timber Owls."

The Queen of Alexandria was smiling. She had never been on TV before, let alone knew what one was. Gaia was romantic (not that type of romantic, silly), after all. Zidane just told her to act as if she was at a big dinner with lots of people watching. She loved Zidane, and as her Dagger alter ego, had learned a lot about being normal from him. But, of course, she still had the regal tone to her voice. "Garnet Til Alexandros XVII, sixteen, Queen of Alexandria." she spoke, trying to sound a bit less regal than normal. She didn't do a good job but she didn't do a bad one, either. It was sort of…midway.

Freija, on the other hand, didn't care about how she sounded. The proud warrior stood tall. "Freija Crescent, twenty-one, Dragoon knight." she said. Sir Fratley watched as his long-lost love stood on the stage.

Aerith decided that maybe it was time to get…mean. She was going to prove that she could. She added the best English accent she could to her voice after she quietly cleared her throat. People watched, bewildered, as she began to talk. "Let's get down to business. I will ask you questions in the random order you were chosen in, and Tifa, you will go first. Each question has money value. In order to get a large sum of money; you must form a chain. Get the question right, and the chain continues. When you wish to add this money to your bank, simply say "Bank" before I ask the question and that money will be added, but note that when you do, the chain will start all over again. Get the question wrong and you lose all un-banked money. But, of course, someone is bound to get a question wrong. Who is not the cream of the crop? Whose knowledge is none?" She looked around. "So, you of course don't want these asinine people on your team, do you? You simply vote who the weakest link is after each round. So, let us play…the weakest link." No one could believe his or her ears.

Laguna, overhearing this, decided to ask a question, too. "Didn't that young lady die? Who killed her again? That Selphiroth…Seferoth…Seiferoth? Umm…Seefiroth…person?"

Kiros shook his head and sighed. "It was Sephiroth,"

"Ohh…I see. I was close! So…how is it physically possible for her to be here now?"

Ward rolled his eyes. "……!"

Kiros did a silent countdown. As soon as he said one… "What, Ward?" Laguna spoke on time.

And Kiros answered, as usual. "He said "Be quiet and watch the show!""

Laguna was shocked! He was purely and utterly traumatized! "T-This is a TV show!? Wow, really?" He laughed. Why didn't ya tell me!? Does my hair look all right? Are my clothes straight? You know how they say the camera adds an extra two pounds…"

Laguna never got his facts straight, not even the not so true ones. Kiros corrected him, ignoring the fact that Laguna seemed to overlook the giant sign that said "TV STATION" outside. "Actually…they say it adds ten,"

Laguna was aghast even more! "Whoa! Maybe I should wear tighter clothes, huh?"

The word 'tight' scared Kiros to death, even though he was known for wearing those types of clothes and all. But the 'tight' Laguna was implying was a whole lot different from his 'tight.' "No, man…not that! Don't bring back those bad memories…" He didn't want to think about that -

"Oh, you mean like the time you wore that Speedo and -"

Selphie overhead from below. "EW!" she screeched.

Kiros was turning red, really red. But you couldn't tell if you weren't staring really well. "CARRY ON!" he said abruptly.

Aerith heard all of the commotion and raised an eyebrow. She just shook her head.

The eerie lights and music shut everyone up. It sounded like the Twilight Zone's theme gone wrong. You can always rely on Regent Cid, hm? They say he's an oglop again. Let's wonder who he cheated with now…

Aerith lifted an eyebrow again. "…You will start with two minutes and thirty seconds,"

Laguna held his wonderful sign high into the air. "Go, Squall's girlfriend! Go, go, go!"

"The little light from above", as nicknamed by Laguna, shone dimly over Zell. Seifer was snickering in the audience. Aerith was wondering why the heck the light didn't start on Tifa, like Sid explained it would. She shrugged and music began to play faintly in the background.

Aerith glanced at Seifer for a bit then down at the question that had just popped up. The questions weren't terribly hard like the ones on the original show. She began to read. "Zell, what is the acclaimed formula created by Albert Einstein corresponding to relativity?"

Zell thought. What was it again? He said the first thing that came to his mind. "Uh…A squared plus B squared equals C squared?"

Aerith shook her head and read the answer. "Incorrect. E equals MC squared. It seems you know the Pythagorean theorem well, no, Mister SeeD?"

Seifer took this as a perfect opportunity to make fun of Zell, which was predictable. "Oh, what a very smart answer," he teased sarcastically, "You've never done so good. Bravo." He clapped mockingly.

Zell balled his hands into fists. "Shut the hell up, Seifer!"

"Ooh, I'm scared," Zell was resisting the urge to climb into the audience and strangle Seifer at that moment.

"And, oh! Look at that chicken-wuss down there!"

Xu was sitting next to Quistis. If anyone, she could shut Seifer up good, long time. "Seifer! Quiet! And you wonder just WHY you never became a SeeD…" That could shut Seifer up for days. The word 'SeeD' hurt him.

The light shone over Tifa, which it should've at first. Aerith looked at the card. Of course Tifa would get it right. She read. "Tifa, what is the combination of tomato juice and vodka called?"

Tifa spoke. "Simple. A Bloody Mary." Aerith knew Tifa too well. She worked with that stuff, of course.

"Correct," One thousand Gil was gained.

Laguna whispered to Kiros. "Hey, doesn't she look too young to know that?" Kiros just shook his head and crossed his arms. Laguna was just Mister-Ignore-Everything. The light moved over to Nanaki.

Aerith looked at the question. "Nanaki, who created the theory that states simply in lamest terms that, "what goes up must come down?""

Nanaki replied, "Absolutely none other than Sir Isaac Newton,"

Aerith nodded. "Correct," Another 2,500 Gil was gained.

Laguna turned to Kiros again. "Ooh, I like the sound of that…but, I always thought it was "what goes up can't come down?""

Ward tilted his head at a slight angle. "……?"

Laguna looked baffled. "What?"

"He asked if you did well in school,"

Laguna made the meanest little face he could come up with - an angry pout. His lower lip was poked out and his eyebrows were dangerously creased downward. "That's was way uncool!"

The light moved to Selphie with one minute and a few seconds left ticking down on the clock.

Selphie didn't want to get booted. She yelled, "Bank!"

Laguna puckered his lips a bit. "That reminds me…I needed to pick some money up at the ATM…"

Aerith looked at the question and read it aloud. "Selphie, what famous guitarist sung "Tears in Heaven?""

Selphie held her chin. "Hmm…uh…" She took a deep breath. "Eric…Clapton?"

Aerith nodded. "Correct,"

Laguna began to laugh. "Hey! Let's "clap" a "ton" for her!" He laughed even more. "Get it? "Clap" a "ton?" "Clapton…"" Kiros and Ward just looked at Laguna like he was the stupidest person in the world.

Aerith began. "Wh-"

Rinoa cheered. "Bank!"

Aerith cocked an eyebrow. "Ahem…what is New Hampshire's state bird?"

Laguna clasped his hands together in delight. "Ooh…ham? Hey, can we get some ham on the way home? New ham…I love the sound of that!"

Rinoa tilted her head and put her hands on her hips. "Excuse me? Do you think I know that?"

Caraway held his forehead. "I knew she shouldn't have come,"

Aerith tried not to laugh at the cuteness of the situation. "Do you pass?" she said, stifling a giggle.

Rinoa tapped her foot. "Look, does it even look like I know where New Hampshire is?"

The light just moved on to Zell. Rinoa would just ramble if the light stayed on her. She scoffed and shrugged it off.

As Aerith cleared her throat, she began to read. "Zell, what common fruit is customarily used in Italian cooking?"

Zell smiled at the thought of some Italian food in his mouth. "Mm…tomatoes!"

"Correct,"

"Wow, he actually got it right!" Seifer sneered. Zell just stood quietly, letting the anger boil up silently.

Selphie giggled. "Tomatoes are fruit? Wow, learn somethin' new everyday!" Selphie bubbled with glee as the light traveled over to Garnet.

"Garnet, what powers cars?"

A bit of an unfair question for her. Since she really didn't have much idea of what kind of car they were talking about, she said what came to her mind. "Hmm…steam? I'd think so, since the wonderful mobiles in Lindblum are."

Aerith frowned, feeling sorry for giving Garnet that question. "Incorrect…fuel,"

It was now Freija's turn.

"Bank. I mean…never mind."

"Freija, which ocean is larger: the Atlantic or the Pacific?"

Freija smiled. "The Pacific,"

"Correct,"

The light went back to Garnet. "Garnet, which flying insect is known to bite living animals for blood?"

"…Ticks?"

"No. The misquito."

Aerith turned to Barret. "Barret, what-"

The alarm sounded. "Time is up. I am unable to complete the question. Well, out of a possible 125,000 Gil…you banked a measly, pathetic, horrible 4,500 Gil. Who is not the smartest of the bunch? Who needs to return to school? It is time to vote off…the weakest link." She that line perfectly like the original host.

Kujah came onto the microphone as the voice-over. "Hm, well, statistically, Garnet is the weakest link, losing she got all of her questions wrong. Such a shame for such an exquisite canary. Selphie is the strongest, banking roughly 3,500. Too perky for me, though. Anyway, back to our lovely Aerith."

Laguna jumped in his seat. "HEY! Where'd that voice come from? Is this place…haunted?"

Ward rolled his eyes. "……!"

Kiros sighed. "He said it was just a voice-over, even though only people on watching it on TV are supposed to hear it…"

Laguna nodded like he knew what he was talking about. "Oh, I see. D'ya think I'd make a good voice-over…voice-overer?"

His friend shrugged. "Dunno, man,"

Aerith broke the silence. "Well, now is time to see who…is the weakest link!"

Tifa spoke out of nowhere. "Does she always have to say it that way?"

Aerith shook her head. "Ahem…we will start with you, Tifa." She put emphasis on her name.

Tifa pressed the button. "Garnet."

Garnet flashed on everyone's screen, except Selphie's - who chose Zell - and Garnet's - who voted for Rinoa though she was sadly on her way out.

Aerith scoffed. "So, Zell. The "SeeD". What made you choose Garnet?"

"Hm…I actually don't know. Does she like hotdogs? I could change my vote."

"Right, Mister Hotdog. She may have statistically been the weakest link, but you weren't too far behind. While we're on the subject, we'll bring up a small fact. Pythagoras and Einstein were quite a time apart."

Zell laughed a little. "Math's not my thing."

Aerith turned to Tifa. "So, Miss Tifa. Have you spent your time away from the booze well? Why did you feel Garnet should be voted off?" There were a few laughs coming from the audience.

Tifa grinned a little. "Right…well, she got all of her questions wrong, like Kujah said."

"Hm, right. And this comes from a person whose knowledge is nothing but that of alcohol?" Aerith shook her head. "Well, sorry, dear Queen Garnet, but with six votes, you are the weakest link…good-bye."

Garnet frowned and walked off of the stage, her boots clacking against the floor.

The hostess shook her head. "Well, maybe it wasn't fair to give Garnet questions about such modern things? She is from a different time."

The camera switched to Garnet, who was backstage to speak her thoughts, in a royal tone of course. "Well, I know that I did lose the money and get questions wrong, but I'm quite appalled at their decision. And that Zell character? My, my. Ah, well, I am the Queen of Alexandria, after all, no? I have plenty of money there for me. I shan't let it bring me down." She shook her head and the camera focused back on Aerith.

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