Chapter 4

"Well, let us continue to play…The Weakest Link! You now have two minutes and twenty seconds." The light shone over Freija. "What are the clusters of islands in which Japan forms called?" Aerith was beginning to wonder about that light…

Freija held her chin in thought. "A…batch, I suppose?"

"Incorrect. An archipelago." The light moved to Barret. "Barret, what is it called when many rocks fall down a mountain?" She then thought to herself, "Where do they come up with these questions…?"

"An avalanche,"

"Correct," she said, as she shook her head at the double entendre. Just then the light moved to…

Aerith's microphone screeched. She cut the accent and mean tone. "Hey, wait! Pause it! Irvine? What the heck are you doin' down here?"

He smiled in his sly way. "All I wanted to do was cheer Selphie and Rinoa on," He winked at them.

Squall yelled from the audience. "Leave Rinoa alone!"

Laguna looked slightly perturbed. "You don't like him, son? He seems like a brilliant young guy, don't ya think?"

"Brilliant…? …Are you serious…?"

Irvine cleared his throat. "Um…to just cheer, I meant."

Aerith looked annoyed. "Uh; that's what the audience chairs are for around us,"

"But…that was too far!"

"Ugh, well, if you stand quietly," Aerith tapped her fingers on her pedestal. "then you can stay. Can we carry on?"

"Yess!"

"Anyway…"

The light moved to Rinoa. One minute and forty-nine seconds was left on the clock.

"Rinoa, what bird is known for having a large, fan-like tail?" Aerith shook her head at the second pun.

Rinoa clapped her hands once and smiled. "A peacock!"

"Correct,"

The light somehow trafficked back to Irvine.

"GET THE LIGHT RIGHT!"

Laguna grinned and pointed down to stage. "Oh, look! How cute! She rhymed!"

After a bit of confusing movements, the light moved slowly, appearing to reluctantly move to Zell.

"Bank!" he crowed.

"Ahem…Zell, what's the square root of one hundred squared?"

Seifer booed Zell from the audience.

Aerith shook head and flouted at Seifer. "I'm going to have to request that you stop now, Seifer, or we'll have you discharged,"

Seifer shrugged. "Whatever,"

Zell punched his monitor, causing the picture to go a bit hazy for a few seconds. "Ten!"

Aerith jumped and looked down at her card. "Incorrect, one hundred,"

Seifer began to laugh wildly. "Haha! Chicken-wuss got another one wrong!"

"That's it!" Zell had had enough. The anger got the best of him. He climbed up into the audience and lunged at Seifer. He aimed his fist and connected with Seifer's eye. Seifer growled and grabbed for his gunblade (where he manages to keep the thing, we'll never know)…

Laguna laughed. "Wow, look at him go!"

Aerith slammed her fist down on her stand. "Remove those two!" Security came in and dragged them out.

Zell and Seifer, who's lower eye was starting to turn a pretty shade of purple and black, glared at each other as they were being hauled out. They yelled to each to the other, "Damn you!"

Aerith shook her head again. "Let us continue…" The light moved to Barret. "Barret, what's does inertia apply to?"

He yawned. "Stuff,"

"Er, um, incorrect… It's a property of matter."

One minute was ticking down.

Aerith adjusted her non-prescription glasses. "Freija, name the holy book of the Islam religion,"

"Oh, um...I pass,"

"The Quran. Barret, complete the sentence. "Ask not what your country can do for you…"

"…I just don't give a damn,""

The audience laughed.

"…ask what you can do for your country."

The light went to Nanaki.

"Nanaki, what empire was said to rule the Mediterranean?"

"Rome,"

"Correct,"

Thirty seconds…

"Selphie, what is the location for the beginning of the Revolutionary War, where "the shot heard 'round the world" was?"

"Hee! Fort Sumpter!"

"Correct."

To Tifa the light went with less than twenty seconds left on the clock.

"Bank!" Tifa held up her gloved hand, which was in a fist underneath.

Aerith nodded. "Tifa, what is 'ami' French for?"

"Friend,"

"Correct. Rinoa, what causes rainbows to-"

The alarm sounded.

"I cannot complete the question. Time is up."

Chapter 5

"Well, well," Aerith laughed. "It seems you did a little bit better this round. Although you have somewhat improved, you still banked an embarrassing 7,000 Gil. Whose brain is flying somewhere in the solar system? Who needs their brain cleaned? Well, now it is time to vote off…the weakest link."

Kujah came on again. "Statistically, Barret is the weakest link. Tifa was the strongest, sort of, but who cares about who's strong and weak these days? Don't ask me…I died just like our lovely Aerith."

Laguna sniveled. "It's the voice again!"

Aerith clasped her hands and rested them on her stand. "Now we see who is…the weakest link!"

Three votes for Barret and three votes for Freija were the results.

"Barret. Why Freija?"

He shrugged. "Just felt like pickin' her."

"Hm," Aerith scoffed. "It seems she felt the same way about you. Now, Rinoa, your judgement."

Rinoa crossed her arms. "Barret is a big meany! I feel he shouldn't be on! He might cause us to lose our independence…"

"Right. Someone as childish as you would think that."

Rinoa gasped. "Right, right…I get it. This is just to toughen me up…"

"Well…it seems we have a tie, so as you may know, the strongest link will pick who goes. Tifa, you were the strongest link this round. Whom do you pick?"

"Freija," Tifa said. Then she added before Aerith was about to ask why. "And I don't need to explain my judgement, thank you."

Aerith ignored her attitude. "Well, excuse me. Furthermore, with three votes Freija, you are the weakest link, good-bye."

Kujah was heard. "Oh, how nice… There must be something about us Final Fantasy IX characters tonight. Well, that leaves us with Tifa, Barret, Nanaki, Selphie, and Irvine…uh, I mean, not Irvine, and Rinoa." The camera switched to Freija backstage.

Freija shrugged and held herself high. "It does not matter to me,"

Kujah laughed his mysterious little laugh. "We shall return, my little canaries, after this short break," Everyone instantly began to converse.

Chapter 6

Selphie giggled as she leaned against her monitor, talking to Irvine and facing him. "I wonder if they'll have any train questions?"

Irvine smiled at her. "Let's hope so, eh?"

Rinoa stood, shaking her head at the madness.

Laguna yelled from the audience, down to Rinoa. "You're doing great, Miss Heartilly! Heartilly…Heartilly? Wow… Hm…that's odd." He held his forehead, reminded of the peculiar name.

Ward raised an eyebrow. Kiros stood up and dropped a five Gil bill onto the floor and began to point at it. "Oh, look! Five Gil, just lying there on the floor!"

Laguna smiled and picked it up. "Oh, neat! Thanks for telling me, Kiros! You're the greatest friend a person could ever have!"

His friend beamed at him. "Yeah, sure…whatever you say." He sat back down in his chair and crossed his arms, then turned to Ward and whispered, "It was the piano lady thing." The former jail employee nodded.

Squall sighed. "Can I jump off of a cliff now…?"

Laguna shook his head. "Technically, son, you can, but I don't know that. You should say 'may I.' But, anyway, why would you want to do that? Didn't your girlfriend do that before?" He scratched his head.

His son rolled his eyes. "To get away from you…and she didn't jump, she fell."

"Oh, oh…I see. But, still, why would you want to do such a silly thing, huh? You could always move to Esthar and brighten the place up a bit. It gets lonely, son, being that I'm the President and I have to do "save the world" and "love and peace" type things all the time."

"…All right, I changed my mind. I want to jump off of a cliff and land in a pit of very sharp and spiky rocks."

"Wow, son!" Laguna patted his son's back. "You could write a book someday, thinking about things like that! You're so melodramatic. Or maybe I should put you on Prozac?"

In the meanwhile, Aerith was on stage, frowning. "Jeez…this strict business isn't my kind of thing. Maybe this is an opportunity to sell some flowers?" She wondered to herself.

A stage director began to yell. "Okay, people! We're on in five. Five, four…"

Aerith sighed and got ready to be vulgar again.

"Four, three, two, and one! And we're on."

She shook her head at the fact the director said four twice. "Welcome back to…the weakest link! If you are just joining in, during the last round, we lost Freija, leaving us with five players. Zell was removed from the premises along with Seifer, also. Anyway, let us continue…the weakest link! Players, you now have two minutes and ten seconds." The music played quickly then the light moved to Tifa. "Tifa, what is the principle ingredient in wines?"

"Why is she getting all the alcohol questions…?" Aerith speculated to herself.

"Grapes,"

"Do our judges accept that?"

Fujin, Beatrix, and Don, who were the judges, nodded in unison, Don nodding a bit nervously. It was a bit odd, being that Don stood out from the other two, since they both had an eye covered, were female…and weren't perverts.

Raijin hooted from the audience. "She's right, ya know!"

Someone else randomly hooted out from the audience. "You go, girl!"

"Correct, then,"

Laguna turned to Squall. ": How old is the young lady that has those gloves on? Oh, don't you think that little spiky-haired friend of yours would go nicely with her? What's his name, son, Zellipher?"

Squall murmured. "Zell…"

"Oh, right! The one that got dragged out with that nice gentlemanly boy? But, personally, don't you see a match made in heaven between those two? The both seem to fight with gloves! They say likes attract, you know!"

Kiros joined in. "That's 'opposites.'"

Squall looked to Quistis, helpless, hoping she'd somehow assist him, but she gave him a look that said "he's your father, deal with it on your own."

Laguna laughed and gave his son the infamous "Cuchi-Cuchi" treatment. "Aw, son! Don't be such a spoilsport!"

Irvine looked up as the light moved to him, leaving him slightly blinded. He blinked his eyes. "Can I answer a question?"

Aerith looked to the judges.

Fujin and Beatrix shook their heads no. Don nodded.

Aerith put her hands on her hips. "Don, why do you feel Irvine should be able to answer a question…or at least attempt to?"

Don smiled and blew on his fingernails egotistically. "Simple…he's a lady's man! And plus, I'm the one controlling the light. I like him."

Aerith laughed sarcastically. "Oh, so THAT'S why we aren't going in the right order,"

Laguna bellowed down to the judges. "Can I control the light!?"

"Excuse me," Aerith walked off of the stage for a bit. After a few sounds of Don getting beat up, the light moved over to Rinoa. Hey, it wasn't in the right order still, but it was a start.

Don was completely silent.

Irvine whimpered.

Laguna squalled.

Aerith just mumbled something and cleared her throat. "Sorry for that slight delay…Rinoa…"

"Bank!"

"Rinoa, what wood is the fingerboard of a violin traditionally made of?"

She giggled. "Hmm…oak! Oak's pretty, don't you think?"

"Incorrect. Ebony."

The light moved to Nanaki, but before Aerith could even say his name, the alarm sounded. "Hm, seems that little predicament caused us to waste a bit of time…"

Selphie stomped her foot. "Then give us the million Gil! It's your fault, Aerith!"

"Yeah!" Irvine agreed. "Selphie's right! Give us the money! I'm with Selphie all the way!"

Selphie smiled contemptuously.

Soon everyone began to chant for the money.

Except Rinoa. "Um…"

Caraway yelled to Rinoa. "Say, "Money!" Rinoa!"

"Uh…money, money?" She unenthusiastically waved her fists in the air.

Laguna stood up a bit. "Ooh, what's happening? Let's join in! Money! Money for all! Yes, money and…peace!" He looked over to Kiros and whispered. "That's good to say, right?"

"Whatever ya say, man,"

"Yes, well…love, peace, and money! All of this…for all!" He quickly scribbled his new saying on the back of his little 'feather girl' sign and waved it around.

Aerith looked troubled. "Uh, judges…?"

Fujin suddenly spoke up and stood up from her chair. "I'll allow it!"

Selphie and just about everyone that knew Fujin gasped in shock. A few people fainted. "WHOA! She spoke more than one word!"

Raijin, who was in shock, too, scratched his head. "It's a miracle, ya know?"

Don, after waking up, and Beatrix just nodded.

Beatrix pulled her microphone to her lips. After a bit of squeaking, her voice came up. "You caused bodily harm to a crewman, my dear. It's best to just -" A squeak. "…split the money eight…eh, five ways."

Don, wincing in pain, leaned up to his microphone, too. "Owch… Ah, phoo…" Squeak! "…I've earned more money than that in one night. Let 'em fight it out."

Aerith bit her lower lip. "Since when was this Celebrity Death Match or something!?"

Irvine, during all of the commotion, had made it up to where Kujah was doing his voice-over job. He grabbed the microphone from him.

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