Chapter 7

Kujah stepped back. "Hey, wait a minute!"

Irvine spoke into the mic. And, of course, Laguna looked around from hearing the voice. "Come up here, Selphie!"

Selphie moved her head side-to-side and shrugged. "Okay." Selphie climbed the steps to the booth and sat in a chair and held her own mic.

"Good evening, y'all! Welcome to Final Fantasy…KO-Match! The new show where two people battle it out until they're KOed! And then…they'll face the pity of being revived by someone! I'm your host, Selphie Tilmitt…"

"And Irvine Kinneas!"

"We're gonna bring on the action!" She slammed her fist down. "Our referee down in the uh…makeshift rink, the center of out Weakest Link stage…is Fujin, who can now speak more than just one-word sentences! Let's speak with her!" Selphie then said in a loud whisper, "Move those stands!"

Fujin nodded and put her hands behind her back and a few people came and pulled the stands out of the way, but not without a few crackles of electricity. "Thank you, Selphie. Well, the deal here is who's…well…I guess just to get back at Aerith, maybe. Well, the fight's gotta be fair. And clean! First one KOed loses and will be revived by our faithful Garnet…"

Selphie looked over to Irvine. "I'm still in shock, here,"

Garnet waved happily, who was now holding the Whale Whisker in her other hand, from the audience. Steiner was now next to her.

Fujin shook her head and continued. "…Who will use a Full Life to restore all HP. Any magic is allowed, and no items can be used, such as Ethers or whatever. Any questions?"

Aerith folded her arms and glowered. "Who the heck am I fighting up against?"

Fujin looked around. "Hmm…any volunteers?"

It got quiet. Completely silent. Suddenly, a grasshopper was heard chirping.

Laguna grinned. "Oh, there's a grasshopper in here! How cute!"

"……"

"Wha?"

"He said, "What a way to break the silence,""

Laguna began to rant and rave. "Grasshoppers are so amazing! They even give you a gift in your hand!"

Kiros leaned back in disgust. "Uh…that's something they spit on you…"

He cocked his head to the side. "You mean the whole time that wasn't what I thought it was?"

"One, no, it wasn't, and two, don't even tell me what you thought it was,"

Laguna shrugged. "It had this peculiar little odor…"

"AHEM!" Kiros rolled up Laguna's sign and hit him on the head with it.

"Ow!"

Fujin was getting impatient. She was about to result to kicking someone out to fight when Beatrix stood up.

Beatrix, speaking completely imperturbable, moved her hand to the handle of her sword and brushed her locks of hair back with the other. "I'll fight her," She walked onto the stage and unsheathed her sword, Save the Queen. It had gotten her through countless battles and this one was just another she presumed she would add to her list of victories.

Fujin shrugged. "Luckily she can't Trance. Well…let's get it on!"

Aerith tilted her head. "Trance? What's that?"

"It's those spiffy Limit Breaks in Final Fantasy IX. They last longer but take a long time to get the bar full, and strong emotion can bring them on, too."

"Ohh, I see,"

Fujin stepped back and Beatrix got into stance, ready for the bout. "The Thing I Must Protect" somehow began playing in the background.

Aerith took out her Mythril Rod, and scowled at the fact that that was the only weapon she had on her. She began to create some small talk with Beatrix. "Uh, so I hear whenever anyone battles you, you leave him or her left with one HP, huh?"

Beatrix nodded. "Yes. I am simply the greatest general Alexandria has ever seen." She raised her sword and cast Climhazzard.

Selphie gasped and tilted her head. "Well…Beatrix raises her sword and uses Climhazzard. Aerith is um…left with one HP."

Aerith fell to one knee. "Jeez…and you're at what, level eighteen? Are you one of those…super women?"

Beatrix just shrugged. "Things move much faster on Gaia, young lady,"

"Okay…I'm one HP away from being KOed…my Limit Break bar is no where near full…ohh, I can use magic, though, can't I?"

Irvine smiled. "Ah, the attractive Aerith casts Cure on herself with her Cure Materia. Her HP rises back up to…234. Very nice!"

Beatrix did her usual push back of the hair. "Wise move…maybe."

Selphie gasped again. "Oh! Beatrix raises her sword once more and uses Stock Break! Aerith is once more left with one HP! Is she going to die, twice? Well, not literally speaking?"

Aerith tried to think. She thought out loud. "Okay…was that fair? What to use…what to use…ah, hah! Hee. Good thing I equipped my Lightning Materia."

Beatrix raised an eyebrow. "Eh?"

Irvine leaned into his mic. "And Aerith uses Lightning, and since armor and swords, well, conduct electricity, Aerith used this to her advantage! Beatrix loses a good chunk of HP and is left with about 100."

Beatrix breathed arduously.

Aerith smiled defiantly.

Selphie clapped. "Beatrix quietly jumps up to Aerith and swings her sword in an attempt to knock out that last HP. She misses!"

Aerith giggled. "You…are the weakest link! Good-bye!"

Selphie and Irvine talked into their mics at the same time. "Aerith uses a final Lightning attack. Beatrix is easily KOed, leaving her HP in the negatives!"

Garnet gasped. "Oh, my! Well, this was a bit…unexpected…"

Laguna peered down. "Oh, is that person down there all right? She doesn't look too hot,"

Fujin stepped back on.

"I, Fujin, declare Aerith Gainsborough the winner of this match! Everyone gets three thousand Gil…so, have a nice day. We're spreadin' the money thin."

Quistis smiled. "Wow, everyone?"

"EVERYONE,"

"A miracle gone bad, ya know?" Raijin, of course.

Aerith made a peace sign and winked.

Selphie shook her head. "Well, this game turned out freaky," She walked down with Irvine to claim their share of the money.

Garnet was crouching down near Beatrix. She raised her staff and cast Full Life. "Dear me…Beatrix, are you all right?"

Beatrix stood up and dusted herself off as if nothing happened. "Every soldier must lose a battle someday,"

"Oh, well…let us return to Alexandria,"

"Yes," Beatrix replied with a smile.

Rinoa clapped her hands. "Well, kiddies…what have we learned?"

Zell walked in, for he somehow managed to escape security (they were thrown off by a punk rocker with the same hairstyle, so now he's locked up). "Damn Seifer to hell…" He caught sight of Gil being handed out. "Oh, Gil! Hotdogs, here I come!"

Rinoa rolled her eyes. "Um, yeah, whatever,"

Aerith walked up to the camera, smiling. "Well, I hope you enjoyed our…Weakest Link-slash-Final Fantasy KO-Match…I'm Aerith Gainsborough, saying, you are the weakest link…good fight and good night!"

Fujin waved from behind. "NIGHT!"

Raijin shouted, "Good night, ya know!?"

Chapter 8

Quistis smiled and turned to Squall. "Well, what a nice way to spend our night, hm?"

Squall nodded. "I'm just waiting for Rinoa…and for my…" He shuddered. "Dad to run away back to Esthar."

"Right, well…whatever. Where do we get our money since we're here?"

"We can tell Rinoa to get it for us,"

"All right. I'll tell her now," Quistis walked down to Rinoa and smiled. "Rinoa…did you get your share of the money, and ours, too?"

"Uh, well, yeah. I was feeling thoughtful." She grinned nervously. "But, uh…"

"Well?"

She spoke in one breath. "I'm-using-it-for-some-new-things-for-Angelo,"

"You what?"

"Angelo needed some new things…"

"Like what, a designer doghouse?"

"Fine, fine…here's the 9,000 Gil for all three of us,"

"Okay, then…let's go. Come on Squall!" She motioned him down and he ran, trying to lose Laguna, who was following right after with Kiros and Ward.

While Squall was wishing for a death sentence, Laguna was talking to him. "Son, do you think I could spend the night at Garden with you tonight, huh? I don't have anything to do." He carried his sign at his side.

"…No."

"Stay for a while?"

"…No."

"Follow you there?"

"…No."

"Follow you to your car…?"

Squall was fed up. "NO!"

"Okay," Laguna crossed his arms for a bit, then raised his index finger and waved it. "How about this?" His plan was brilliant!

"Follow you to the door!!"

"For Christ's sake, no!"

"Well, all right, son…" Laguna sighed. "Keep in touch!" He grinned and walked off, whacking his fellow confidants on the head with his sign.

Squall slapped his forehead. "Oh, thank God…"

Chapter 9

Laguna talked with the producer a few days later.

He happily walked to the producer and waved. "Hello! I'm Laguna Loire!"

"Eh-heh. Righty-o."

Laguna grinned.

"Yeah, whatever. What d'ya want, Pres.?" He laughed to himself and figured it was one of those "You're on Candid Camera!" things.

"Well, do you know a Squall Leonhart? Well, he's my son…and I want to do a father-son type thing the next time you do the show!"

The producer blew a bubble with the gum he was chewing. "There may not be a next time,"

Laguna pouted. "Aww, why?"

"Everyone practically took what funding we had, because that crazy one-eyed girl invited everyone to the Gil party,"

"Wow, there are such things? Do you know where I can get invited to one?"

"…No. Never mind the Gil Party thing. But, anyway, we're low on funding, so we may have to cancel the program."

"Oh, but," Laguna smiled as he pulled out his checkbook. "I can write a check, right now! How much do you need?"

The producer, still thinking this was all a joke, crossed his arms. "Okay, you're joking, aren't you? Where's the cameras?" He began to look around.

"No, I'm serious! Really, how much d'ya need?"

He stopped searching for the hidden cameras and smiled. "Hm, a million or so,"

"Esthar could provide that money!" He happily wrote a check and proudly signed his name at the bottom. "Here, one million Gil! And I'll throw in extra if I can be on with my son!"

"Wow, man…you really MUST be the Pres.!" How did he know? The only person in the world with cherub teddy bears on his checks was writing it. "I'll get to this right away! Oh, and how much extra…?"

"I'll take 100,000 and below!"

"You've got yourself a deal, President Sir!"

The producer ran off holding the check and stuffed one worth 100,000 Gil into his pocket. Laguna walked to Kiros and Ward, who were sitting out in his car, waiting for him to return.

Laguna climbed into his car and smiled, self-satisfied. "I'm proud!"

Kiros looked over at Laguna, expecting yet another stupid deed had been done. "What'd ya do now? Give to another stupid foundation or something?"

"No! I gave funding for the show, so I can be on with Squall! We're going to do the next show together!"

Kiros, hoping he was wrong, asked, "Just HOW much did you give?"

"1,100,000 Gil!"

He went wide-eyed. "What the? What's your problem!?"

"Well…Esthar has plenty money, you know? We could fund the show!"

Ward made an expression.

Laguna looked into his rear-view mirror. "What was that?"

"He said, "Somebody needs to take your checkbook away from you.""

"Aw, come on! Next week…it'll be my son and I, with all the other lovely people!"

Kiros turned and looked forward then crossed his arms. "Sure…whatever you say…"

Laguna grinned and they all drove off.

Epilogue

A few weeks later, Squall received some mail…

"Ugh…from the TV Station?" He ripped the envelope open, although he didn't want to know what was in it, and began to read. It read:

To Mister Squall Leonhart:

Due to past funding from the President of Esthar, you have been requested to star as a contestant on our second episode of "The Weakest Link!" Our contestants will include yourself, Yuna, Amarant Coral, Irvine Kinneas (he pretty much begged), Zell Dincht (he was given another chance), Cait Sith, Quina Quen…and Laguna Loire! Mr. Loire himself wanted you to be on the show! It's an honor! Well, your confirmation sheet was already sent in by Mr. Loire, also, so all you must do is appear for your chance to win 1,000,000 Gil! We wish you luck. Aerith Gainsborough will once again host this wonderful show. We hope to see you there!

Yukita Fujiko
Head Manager of the Station

Squall held back the urge to scream.

The moral of the story is: Nothing's cheaper than something free! Er…although things don't go right, something bad will always happen! Bleh, you figure it out.